


Clothes on the Sand

by fierda



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-16 15:34:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fierda/pseuds/fierda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard felt his mouth go dry as he neared the strange object. No, it wasn’t just an object… it was a pile of clothes. And a pair of shoes neatly placed on top of the pile. And an all too familiar pink belt buckle… The fear that shot through him was so overwhelming that he fell to his knees, weak, desperately clutching the clothes to his chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clothes on the Sand

**Author's Note:**

> This was my very first foray into the MCR fandom. First posted on Mibba. Unbetaed - therefore all mistakes are mine.

Gerard made his way down towards the beach, dragging his feet behind him as he slowed to light up a cigarette. He sucked in a breath, blowing out the smoke as it escaped through his nostrils, weaving lazily into the air. He watched the smoke fan out and get carried away by the sea breeze. His eyes fixated on the twirling smoke… yet his mind wasn’t quite **there**.  
  
 _He was standing in the middle of the living room, his eyes closed as a pair of arms encircled him from the back._  
  
“Frank.” Gerard whispered softly, pleadingly. He was afraid that if he spoke his name too loudly, Frank would feel the agony even more...  
  
“I’m not going to let go.” Came the harsh reply. “I’ve waited too long, Gerard… too goddamn long. Three years... it has been three years since you said you wanted to leave her. I’ve waited for you too long…”  
  
“Frank… I can’t.” There was nothing else that Gerard wanted more in the world right at that moment in time. He wished that this didn’t have to happen, that his heart wouldn’t hurt so much that he couldn’t breathe. He had to be strong. His mind told him that he had to be sensible, clear-minded. He knew he couldn’t turn to look at Frank. One look… and whatever he had planned to carry out would disintegrate into the wind. He couldn’t bear to hurt Frank. But he had to. His mind told him so. It was the right thing to do. But his heart… oh his **heart** … It hurt so much…  
  
“Why?” Soft as a butterfly’s touch, Gerard heard the tremble in Frank’s voice. His resolve faltered instantly. He felt a tear at the edge of his heart, he felt his heart began to bleed. Frank was fragile, he knew that. Yet he had to choose to shatter him into a million pieces now.  
  
Was it even possible that he could feel so much pain that he felt as though nothing could stop it but death?  
  
The sudden silence that engulfed the both of them was almost deafening.  
  
Gerard swallowed; his throat swollen and painful. His heart pounded excruciatingly. How could it still go on beating, when it was filled with so much agony?  
  
Then, he whispered.  
  
“Lyn-Z’s pregnant again.”  
  
Gerard hesitated, before he slipped off his shoes and pressed his feet into the sand. It felt warm and soft, and he sighed heavily as he made his way further down to the shoreline, where the water lapped at the edges of the sand. He sank his feet into the water as it gushed forward, tickling his feet, before it receded again, leaving his feet cold and exposed.  
  
It had been one year since that fateful day. The day that he had chosen to leave Frank. The day that he had made that decision that had left him in regret ever since. He loved Frank, how could he not? The first time he saw Frank, Gerard was hooked. It was nearly impossible to look away from him the first time he laid eyes on Frank. The way those gorgeous hazel orbs sparkled in the light, the way they seemed so innocent and yet so sad… The way at times, his eyes became a startling shock of green… It intrigued Gerard. He wanted to know everything behind those eyes. Why at times they looked so happy, why at times they seemed so sad, why at times they looked so frustrated … Every time those eyes changed, it made him wonder why. He wanted to know more about Frank. Everything about him.  
  
He began to watch Frank. The way he spoke, the way he moved, with a clumsy kind of elegance, and a strong vigor that he admired. Frank was always so cheerful, laughing all the time. His laugh was so adorable, just so adorable… and so much like a girl’s. It amused Gerard and fascinated him at the same time. Sometimes, Frank seemed to sense that Gerard was looking at him, and when he turned in Gerard’s direction, or when he gazed at him, Gerard would blush and turn away. Frank’s eyes were so intense, and Gerard’s body burned in response whenever he met his gaze. No… it wasn’t just simply a burn. His body exploded… The pleasure would spread through Gerard like a wildfire burning through… It left his heart aching painfully. Yet, through the pain, Gerard wanted more. Gerard wanted to see, those beautiful eyes that he fell so deeply in love with everyday. He wanted to see Frank smile; hear him laugh across the room… Gerard never imagined that someone could have such an impact on him. Everything about Frank attracted Gerard, and he knew he was in too deep.  
  
But how could he love his bandmate? What if he told Frank, and Frank didn’t feel the same for him? He couldn’t bear that thought of certain, straightforward rejection. Worse still, what if Frank left the band? He couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing Frank again as well. It would kill him. Gerard also couldn’t afford to jeopardize what the band had. Kids depended on them, hell, even Gerard’s life depended on it. He loved the band and what they were doing was amazing. He couldn’t risk it. So he tried to forget. But every time he looked at Frank, his plans to move on crumbled. He tried to escape, he really did… But then again, maybe he didn’t want to try hard enough. Deep down, he knew that it was impossible not to love Frank, it was impossible not to **want** Frank. He was an angel, too perfect for Gerard to hate, too beautiful for him not to love…  
  
 _“Gee!!” He loved that laughter, that soft giggle._  
  
“What?” Gerard asked, amused.  
  
“Dance with me!!” Frank squealed loudly.  
  
Gerard chuckled. Frank was definitely drunk and he was playing with Gerard’s favorite pink feather boa. He had draped it around both of them, trapping Gerard in the middle. Gerard watched as Frank danced, shaking his hips like nobody’s business to his own drunken tunes. It was an amusing scene that he knew he would never be able to forget. Gerard watched with hawk-like attention, worried that his friend might fall.  
  
Friend.  
  
Damn, he hated that fucking word… because that was all Frank would ever be to him.  
  
He signed internally.  
  
Suddenly, Frank did a twirl like a ballerina, or rather, he tried to. Gerard held onto his drunken friend protectively, supporting him and pulling him to his feet as he nearly fell flat onto his face.  
  
Gerard laughed when Frank fell backwards again, right into his arms. Frank pulled the boa around him, and wrapped it entirely around Gerard, rubbing his face against the feathers… and unknowingly brushing his face against Gerard’s neck as well. His heart was suddenly beating at twice its usual speed, and he was blushing when Frank suddenly slumped against him, his face against his chest, both his hands thrown around Gerard’s neck. This was probably the closest that they could ever get to each other, as _friends._ He wondered whether Frank could feel his heartbeat… he swore that it was beating so hard, it was going to burst out of his chest soon. His lips went dry when he noticed that Frank was staring up at him, his eyes fixated on his own hazel orbs.  
  
“I love you, Gee.”  
  
And that was the first time Frank kissed him.  
  
Gerard held his shoes in his hands, walking along the edges of the beach where the water met the sand. His eyes landed on a lumpy object at the far end of the beach. It was too awkwardly shaped to be driftwood that had been washed up on the sand. His curiosity sparked, and he trod purposefully forward to examine the strange object.  
  
 _”YOU WERE FUCKING HER WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER?”_  
  
The words were true, yet it felt like a slap to the face when Frank said it. He had never been so harsh to Gerard, and he knew this time, Frank’s heart had been utterly broken by him.  
  
“I… What was I supposed to do? I had to keep up the husband…”  
  
He staggered backwards, falling on the sofa as Frank suddenly punched him in the face.  
  
Frank was glaring at him, his hands still balled into fists.  
  
“So you’re leaving me.” And his brilliant hazel orbs suddenly misted over.  
  
Gerard’s resolve faltered. It was killing him to watch Frank tear himself up over this.  
  
“Frank… I love you… I don’t want to leave you… But I… I can’t leave her!” Gerard was frustrated.  
  
Frank’s eyes flashed.  
  
“Choose! Lyn-Z or me? I’m sick of your indecisiveness. I’m sick of hiding from everyone. I’m sick of this constant fear of being found out! I’m not going to let you cheat on her with me anymore.”  
  
Gerard was flabbergasted. How was he supposed to leave Lyn-Z right now, at this moment? She was pregnant, with his second child for god’s sake! And Jamie, his bubbly and energetic two year old… He swallowed again.  
  
“Frank… I… I just can’t… Jamie…”  
  
Frank held out his hand, stopping Gerard in mid-sentence. He determinedly kept his face away from Gerard.  
  
“Don’t say another fucking word. I get it. Get out of my house.”  
  
“Please Frank… I really…”  
  
“If you’re not leaving, I am.” Gerard was frozen, frozen to the spot. He had never imagined that it was finally over. The one thing that he had set out to do tonight was finally done but yet he wasn’t relieved. Instead, he felt terrible. The prospect of losing Frank had finally begun to sink in, and Gerard regretted his words. He reached out to hold Frank back, to say something that would undo all the hurt he had caused Frank but his hands were carelessly flung off.  
  
“Don’t touch me.” Frank spat, taking his keys with him as he slammed the door.  
  
Gerard felt his mouth go dry as he neared the strange object. No, it wasn’t just an object… it was a pile of clothes. And a pair of shoes neatly placed on top of the pile. And an all too familiar pink belt buckle… The fear that shot through him was so overwhelming that he fell to his knees, weak, desperately clutching the clothes to his chest. And then…  
  
“FRANKIE!” He screamed, running towards the water.  
  
Frank was finally at peace. The silence that filled his ears soothed him, and he was contented. He knew that the serene moment wouldn’t last forever, and he wanted to prolong it as much as he could. Every inch of his body was screaming for oxygen, but he ignored it. The initial shock of the cold water meeting his warm flesh had caused him to shiver at first, but now he felt warm and safe. Safe from attacks from within - his rocketing emotions that left him drained and dry by the end of every day…  
  
His eyes shot open in alarm as he felt a pair of muscular arms grabbing him from around his neck. He choked instantly, regretting it immediately as he swallowed the seawater. Instinctively, he kicked out, using his hands and fists to attack the assaulter… no, his _murderer_ , if he did not free himself from the vice-grip he was being held in soon. He was being dragged further downwards into deeper waters and he had to act fast… He began to panic as he swung his arms, bashing at his attacker violently but he was losing strength, he needed oxygen…  
  
And then Frank realized that the arms weren’t pulling him _down_ , they were pulling him _up_. Nor were they pulling him _away_ from the shore, but _towards_ it. His oxygen-deprived brain was confused, and it was awhile before he decided that the “attacker” wasn’t going to kill him. He relaxed, and when they broke the surface, he gulped in the sweet oxygen that filled his lungs, soothing his body and slowly renewing his strength. He let the stranger pull him towards the shore and he half-slipped, half-stumbled towards the sand…  
  
“ **What the hell are you playing at?** ” Frank shouted, coughing as he shoved the man away from him. He fell to his knees, spluttered, and retched as he emptied the seawater from his lungs.  
  
He felt the man approach him, a pair of warm hands roughly hitting his back as Frank continued to vomit. He began to shiver fiercely, both from the warmth of the stranger’s hands, and from the wind that attacked his wet body fiercely. Frank was suddenly conscious of his naked-ness, and he looked up at the stranger.  
  
“Gee?”  
  
He stared up at Gerard, determined not to let his blush show.  
  
Gerard was silent, as he helped Frank up to his feet. Hazel against hazel, their eyes were locked in a steely gaze, and Frank saw, in that moment, in those eyes, how much Gerard still loved him. Frank’s throat tightened in response. Suddenly, the hazel eyes filled up with rage.  
  
He yelped as Gerard suddenly punched him, sending him sailing across the sand. The sand clung to his wet body, and Frank stood up, clutching his cheek.  
  
“What the fuck was that for?”  
  
Gerard came towards him, grabbing Frank by the shoulders and shaking him.  
  
“How could you do that? How could you try to kill yourself?" Gerard yelled into Frank’s face, his own face twisted with rage.  
  
Expecting another blow, Frank raised his arm, prepared to dodge. Instead, he felt Gerard push his arm roughly aside, before embracing him tightly.  
  
"Frank… I can’t lose you… I can’t live without you…” Gerard sobbed. The calm composure that he had always tried to keep in front of Frank had finally shattered, and dissolved. He breathed in Frank’s scent, a mixture of seawater and sand. He held on tightly to him, afraid that at the next moment, he would lose him again.  
  
“Gee…” Frank’s voice came in a whisper. He pushed Gerard gently away from him, his callused fingers rubbing away the tears that ran stubbornly down Gerard’s face.  
  
“Silly…” He sighed. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”  
  
Gerard started.  
  
“Whoever takes off their clothes whenever they want to kill themselves?” Frank gestured to himself wryly. “It wouldn’t matter in the end. You, my friend, on the other hand, look more like a failed suicide attemptee…”  
  
He pointed at Gerard’s wet clothes. The cheeky grin on his face widened as he watched the blush on Gerard’s face deepen. Gerard was suddenly aware of how fully _unclothed_ Frank was, and desire raked at him from within… He shook his head, as though trying to rid himself of those thoughts that now raged within his mind.  
  
“Frank… I really… I can’t do this anymore.” Gerard spoke. He pressed his warm hand against Frank’s cold, smooth cheek, his thumb brushing away stray hairs that obscured his angelic face from him. He felt Frank shiver, and, taking that as a positive response, he continued.  
  
“I love you Frank… I can’t live without you by my side. It’s been exactly a year… and it’s killing me. From the inside. I die a little more, every day, knowing that I can have you, have all of you to myself… But I don’t. I’m so unhappy. I need you, Frank. Every time you smile, I want you. Every time you laugh, I want you. Every time you’re angry, I want you. Every time you are around me, I feel so suffocated, because you’re so near me, yet I can’t have you. Hell, every second you’re breathing, I need you. Do you feel the same? Please tell me I’m not alone…” His mouth went dry, as he waited for Frank’s response. His hands curled around Frank’s, and he squeezed them softly.  
  
Frank was stunned beyond words. Never had he expected that just a simple soak in the seawater would lead to this…  
  
He pulled his hands away from Gerard’s, hating the pained expression that had swiftly replaced the look of hope.  
  
“Gee, I… I can’t.”  
  
“I’m willing to leave Lyn-Z.” Gerard blurted out. “I don’t love her anymore, and I don’t want to deceive her anymore.”  
  
“Gerard… That doesn’t matter to me anymore.” Gerard’s eyes widened.  
  
“I said my good-bye to you a year ago. You need to let go.” Frank whispered softly, as though hoping that his volume would soften the impact of the words. It didn’t, and Gerard winced at the cruel words. Frank sighed.  
  
“Don’t you love me anymore?” Gerard choked. He hated himself for being this weak, this pathetic. But he would do anything to get Frank back… even if he had to go onto his knees, and beg Frank to return to him.  
  
“I do, Gerard. I do.” Frank said, despairingly. “But I chose to let go, because you would be better off, with your family. Can’t you see that, Gerard? You would lose so much, by choosing me. I love you, Gee, but I don’t want you to throw away your family for me. Jamie, Clara… they need a family, Gee. I don’t want to be a home-wrecker. And even if we choose to go back to what we had… I can’t do it. Now, I can’t even look at Lyn-Z anymore without feeling guilty. Gee… I can’t. I just… can’t.”  
  
Gerard fell to his knees, silent. He was still, numbed, by what he had heard. Even the last hopes he had of loving Frank again… Gone.  
  
Frank kissed the top of Gerard’s forehead, a worried frown creasing his own forehead.  
  
“Take care, Gerard. Good-bye.” And he turned, picking up his clothes from the sand. He exhaled as he sighed, throwing one last glance at Gerard, before turning finally and walking away from his ex-lover.  
  
“Good –bye, Frank.” Gerard whispered. A tear ran down his cheek. He sobbed for the last time for his lost love, letting his heart break completely.


End file.
